"crying is how I express the jumbled words in my mind"
i cried a lot this month.
Crying as an expression comes easily to me. So easily, in fact, that someone once asked, “Have you ever kept a calendar of how many times you’ve cried and why?”
I hadn’t — until this month.
Maybe it was the intensity of being in my head during a month that naturally invites reflection. Maybe it’s just that I’m finally okay with feeling things deeply, without layering shame on top of sensitivity. Still, even with that self-awareness, I have to admit: some of these are kind of ridiculous.
Here's the list of things I’ve cried about in April:
Leaving lunch with my parents and siblings. It’s rare for it to just be us. I didn’t want the two-hour moment to end.
Rembering that I’ll never Intermezzo for the first time again.
My two long distance best friends leaving on a Sunday afternoon after a weekend spent together.
Reading this description of depression that felt like someone cracked open my chest and put it into words:
“I’ve learned to coexist with it. I'm not healed, because frankly, I don’t think it can ever go away, but I know how to live with it.”
“I live in the background of beautiful people, I live worrying... It’s not the tortured poet’s aesthetic. It’s more like something out of Kafka’s world—where reality is bent, glitching at every moment, and you can never wake up from it.”
How good coffee tasted on a really nice Saturday morning.
The sweetness of someone taking a picture of me while I blew out a birthday candle.
How good a meal tasted - it truly was so good.
The latest episode of Friends and Neighbors, when Jon Hamm says, “My entire life has been a series of consequences.”
Leaving my mom’s house after visiting her.
An episode of the absurd soap Grosse Pointe Garden Society, where a character says, “I’m not looking for perfection, just genuine happiness.” (I actually can not stop watching this show).
The final page of a chapter about friendship.
A coworker recognized my hard work and told me how proud they were of me.
Turning 28, knowing I never thought I’d make it to 25.
Realizing the lyrical parallels between Harry Styles’ “Ever Since New York” and Taylor Swift’s “Hoax.”
My ten-day-in-a-row birthday celebration coming to an end on the Sunday after my real birthday.
Seeing my sweet and kind friend after a month of not seeing her.
Not knowing how to hold the stillness of remission in my body. With my mental and physical health in remission from episodes and flare-ups. I worry their return will come laced with anger.
Re-watching S2 E5 of Killing Eve.
The day after my friend moved.
Hearing “I love you” & really feeling like they meant it.
this is so relatable! i've been allowing myself to cry more and i realize that i cry over everything
Awe I cry a lot too, but I don’t think these are ridiculous 🤍. I think most of this list shows how tender and thoughtful your heart is and how much it means when the world reflects that back to you. Loved this! Maybe I’ll start keeping a list too.