3:00 AM haunts

and possible truths

He used to dance with me and now I’m afraid I’ll never have someone to dance with again.

(This usually haunts me at 3:00 am.)

For every fight remembered a small smile of a good memory too.

I need to make an appointment with my therapist.

This ex left me a week after my surgery (the one ensuring I’d never be able to have kids.)

I loved him, I did more than I think people realize. Maybe more than I realized. Mistakes and all. In a way, there was an addiction. I couldn’t give him up and nor could he.

I often miss his sister. The lunch hour turned into “let’s just grab dinner now” because hours blended with ease. I loved her too. She was a friend. A confidant. Made home feel homier.

But we fought.
Hard.
Ruthless.
Painful.

I am worried his memories of me have melted only to the bad.
Why can’t I remember more of the bad when my body and heart trembles when I really think about our time together?
I wasn’t okay.
My nervous system was not okay.
Nothing was okay.

Compromises sounded like “let’s try and have a good day today” because a good morning would lead to afternoon fighting.

Early on, when I could have walked away. But couldn’t for some one reason or another.

His uncle accidentally told me he’d seen him on another date, just two days ago,

His uncle thought it was me. It wasn’t. Evidently, I don’t golf.
I said as much to his uncle. His Uncle tried to explain on his behalf.

This all take place in the later hours of his sister’s wedding.
He admitted the truth, though, how a lie about a boy’s night felt easier than being honest about how he was still playing the field.

At that same wedding, after a few dances. I learned about his affair with his very married ex-girlfriend. It started before her engagement and continued through her marriage. She was there at the wedding. With her husband.

Things were hard after that. I’m not sure why I stayed.
Loneliness?
Desperation?
Love?

As easy as the dancing came, seemingly so did his continuous betrayal.

I’m tempted to reach out now and again.
But knowing sober of him.
The life I lead now because of him.
Is better.
Safer.

But, god almighty, in my darkest hour, sometimes I’m willing to exchange the loneliness I feel for the loneliness I felt while with him.